Q#1:

I noticed that your hair stays straight up but doesn't look matted down? How do you manage that?

Dear Limpdick,
I'm glad to be hearing from a hairficianado. Fuck your promenades, waxes, gels, and meese (plural of mouse). Take your Man-Kit and shove it up your ass. Time to take your head mop from the bathroom to the kitchen.

To keep my hair stellarrific, I use Williams-Sonoma Butternut Mountain Farm Maple Syrup ($16.50/bottle +tax). Like any solid drinker, I've passed out in my share of pancake stacks. After finishing my meal and taking the blueberries off my face, I looked in the mirror and screamed, "Holyfuckingshit! My hair looks great." I find it has more hold than your typical batch of Aunt Jemima. It doesn't gloop up, goes on smooth and looks like you woke up that way. You're gonna smell great, I don't think anyone will deny that.

But, a word of caution: it attracts wasps.

Q#2:

How can you justify spending all that money when the economy is tanking?

Dear Marxist Bastrd,
While you may likje to spread money around to your little poor friends, save it, or simpy stay away from bad mortgages, just remember that our economy is basedd on capitalism; a system that brought us professional football, post-it notes, and Christianity. If you hate spending then you hate America. Think about it, if we gave all ouer money to the poorr where would our economy go? Wre better off spending and creatign a free flowing trade system without any checks and balances rather than montoring the system by supposedly "preventing corruption" but actuallyt preventing profits for hard working executives. They wouldgt have all that money unles the world thought they earnd it. The poor will gt their share eventually. Let them eat Raman.

P.S. Sorury if there are any typos, I wrotwe this on my iPhone and this speed boat is bumopy as hell.